Monday, October 24, 2005
9:56 PM Y
nothing to say..
♥ just the girl.
here to blog for two days de happenings. hmm.. wat can i say. my feelings these few days have been up n down, up n down. i really hate it when it's liddat.. it's like i dunno how to or how i shld feel anymore.. feelingless creature. that's wat i m AGAIN. haix.. let's start wif sunday. hmm woke up at 6 plus cuz had duty. wasnt feeling very gd already cuz.. cuz.. i dun wanna say.. only shan n piggy n homunko will noe why bah. haix. so rushed out of the hse as usual cuz i forgot dis, forgot that. that is how forgetful i m. hahax. den slpt my way thru the whole journey to yishun. felt so pig man. but wat to do? i'm a pig mah. hahax. den finally reach church. dragged my feet out of the mrt. woo.. den on the shuttle slpt again. =X heh. that day, we were early. soon, worship started. as u noe, i love worshipping God! it just feels so awesome. so great. the songs just expresses my love towards God in which a thousand words cant. and it feels like all my worries n problems have been taken away. i hope i wun stray away frm God again. even tho that day, i confess, that i was a little angry wif God. i have no right to! who am i to do that?! haix. sorry God.. after the chi service, we went to eat den i saved seat for twinnie. hmm. after that, went up for practice le. learnt new songs today. as in the alto parts. hmm.. den attended rzone lesson after the worship. yireng shared today. learnt sth frm it too. we muz open our golden mouth and ask God to bless us! hehex. i think it's quite true loh. many a times, we blame God for not blessing us. but that's cuz we dun ask him for it! but remember, no is an answer too. x) so yep. after rzone ended, i played a little bit of drums! woohoo! so shiok! hehe. weisheng shifu teach me new drum beat again and thank God! it only took me a while to get the hang of it. hehe. hmm.. when main service ended, i went down to the atrium to look for my mum. i wanted to go home asap. frankly, i'm being more afraid to go church nowadays. =X i feel the pressure that ppl around me is giving me. mayb some i've hurt them b4, some who thinks i've not been doing wat God wants me to do. i dunno, but whatever it is, it's really scary. i feel that they're looking at me in a diffirent way cuz of the things i do, the things i say and the things that had happened in my life. yes, i admit i made mistakes, but that's how i learn and draw closer to the Lord. haix. *God, set me free!* haix. so anyway, i went home immediately after service. slp slp slp again! woot! slpt for 4 and a half hours seh. den nobody can find me. heh. =X seriously finding jocouz abit irritating. he smses me EVERYDAY! for NOTHING! argh.. so sometimes i dun reply him and guess wat? he sends the same old msg AGAIN and AGAIN! haix. *God, forgive me for being so hot tempered.* so woke up bout 7 plus, had dinner den prayed. i decided that after being convicted bout praying TWICE, i shld do sth. i really feel very guilty towards God. so dis time, i prayed before i din anything else. after praying, den i used the com.
when piggy came online, his display pic was a GIRL! i couldnt believe my eyes. =X i quickly ask shuyi to see his dp and asked her if it was a celebrity cuz i noe she quite updated wif the showbiz de. den she confirm confirm plus chop wif me that it's NOT. i was quite disappointed and felt that i hadta find out who it was. den sy told me it was most prob jiayuan. i couldnt believe wat she said but when i wanted to take a second look at the photo, it's GONE! he changed it back to his old dp le. haix. den actually sy wanted to send me that jy pic but cannot send le. so she ask me go frenster see for myself. at first, jy profile couldnt load. i was telling God, asking him if it's his will that i dun get to see that pic. den thank God, her profile was finally dere. i went to see n CONFIRM CONFIRM plus CHOP that it was jy. was so disheartened as i wondered why he had her pic. i hadta noe why, if not, my mind was not at ease. so LAST RESORT, i asked sy to help me asked him! but in order for him not to suspected me, i went offline first den sy asked him. den later, when i came online again, i blocked him all the way till he went offline. =X dun wanna ruin any chances of me n him becoming frens again. den sy told me some truth, WHICH, wasnt that bad afterall. i heaved a sigh of relief. wooh.. *i noe u all muz b thinking, if i say FRENSHIP, why is my reaction still liddat rite? yes, i have given up the tot of me n him being together again but that doesnt mean i dun have feelings for him anymore. i just need time! dun push me.. haix.* den sy said she will print out the con n show me. so cute lah she! hahax. den we discussed bout wat to do on her bday. she even invited piggy n kest they all. dunno if they will come anot. so anyway, i finished typing my testimony for john, and den went to bed. well, i din exactly immediately slp. in fact, i cried myself to slp. =X haix. many tots filled my mind as i lie on the bed. i have sinned against the Lord so many times and in so many ways. i was asking for his forgiveness in my life. i was asking him to take me to where he is now. where dere are no troubles, no sins, no hw, no stress.. so carefree. just me + God. it was really paradised. at that moment, i really wished God will just take me away, away frm dis world that is full of hatred, jealousy, hypcrotics and u name it. and as i prayed, talked to God and cried, i just fell aslp.
i woke up to a new day, a new beginning. as usual, couldnt wake up. heh. but wat's diff dis time is that i did not rush. instead, i took my own sweet time. i wasnt feeling really gd dis morning cuz of my looks. sometimes i really cant stand it. mayb now youth den alot of qing chun dou, but sometimes it can b really insulting. and i would often think n ask God. if he had craeted human in a image oh himself, den does he have qing chun dou too? does he noe how i feel wat ppl insult me bout the way i look? the feeling just totally sux. i dun even feel like going to sch. that's prob y i took my own sweet time. i chose the wrong day to do that as i had to b in sch before 7am today. in the end, i reached sch on the dot. rushed to find mr rizal just to find that he was nowehere to b found! hahax. so ironic. we ran round the whole sch looking for mr rizal, just to pass him some testimonies bout john. sian. den as i ran past the bridge, i heard someone calling me and guess who was it? it was kest, wif piggy. i kena shock sia. dun even dare to stop to talk or anything. just ran away after saying a faint 'hey'. oh crap, dun care loh. den later finally found cher. after passing him the testimonies, we went canteen to slack awhile loh. den piggy n kest appeared frm nowhere n went to drink frm the water cooler. den nik kept pushing sy to kest to ask him bout her bday. think sy very paiseh loh. haha. den keep telling nik not to push her cuz her ankle pain. haha. hmm. den today nik bunned up her hair! think she looks really neat and nice. x) too bad i din get a chance to tell her that. so anyway, sch was as per normal, as boring as usual. mostly is going thru the answers for the EOY papers. frankly, i dun see wat's the use. =X everyone already lost their focus loh. sian.eng was most song one. cuz i got to listen to my mp3 for two whole lessons. heh.. den during hist lesson, which is the last period, dennis actually called me loh! thank God it was free period so i din get caught for answering the phone. heh. he kept on asking me to go for josh de chalet. i was very reluctant as i noe adidas was going n not sure lao da was going. i noe i've hurt adidas n my presence dere will only make things worst. it would also make us both feel awkward. and lao da also. i think he's angry wif me. i really dunno wat to say or how to react when i see him. =X haix. but after much persuading frm dennis, i decided to just go n give josh his present n give dennis some face. hahax.
after that, sch ended le loh. it was lonely me. clar had some bazaar thing to do n sy was not in sch. shan was nowhere to b found n nik left sch already. sad sia me. so went to help clar loh. we went to parkway once she was done. walking out of sch, piggy, xiaowei n zhang were in front. they suddenly zhang started to walk back. clar felt weird n so do i. hahax. den zhang ask whether we want go eat. he hestitated awhile before saying that he n xiaowei going to eat. hmm, felt quite weird tho. but i din ask much. i just told him we WERE going to parkway but not to eat. den he was like dun care ah.. eat ah.. den he walked away. haha. funny lah he! they walked so fast loh. so in the end, they took 135 n we din. den later they din call us or anything so i also nvr go find them loh. nvr had the intention to anyway. hahax. clar n me both felt the same way. actually piggy was going but zhang nvr say nia. good loh he. sian sia.. at parkway, we shopped for peck peck's present and mummy's bday cake. woot! cant believe we found both in less that n half an hour! fast rite we choose? heh. den we went home le loh. at home, i quickly wrapped josh present n did his card. whoa. everything went by so quickly. i also typed out the diffierent fonts we could use for the keychains for my sch bazaar. den i left for downtown east le. and i realised that it was so late le! =X was bout 5.45pm when i lef the hse. so reach downtown east bout 7pm cuz i took bus to tanah merah mrt den took bus to downtown east. me noe it's stupid but wanted some quiet time on the bus. den finally reach downeast le. met twinnie n adidas on the way in. felt abit awkward but ok bah. cuz twinnie n him going out to pick jan. i went to the bbq dere n sat alone. din feel like eating so dint. besides i din pay. it wouldnt b nice if i ate. in the end, i stole one satay n a few chips. the satay was dennis force de loh! he wun let me go hom unless i eat one satay. hahax. so bo bian. den the chips were too tempting le. hehe. plus i see mokkie got so much. so took a few frm him. haha. den also talked abit to twinnie. *i noe i've said dis many times but i'm gonna say it again. love is beautiful. to everyone out dere, dun turn love to hatred. dun give love a bad name. mayb sometimes we'll think back and feel hurt but remember, we have God! and we muz find joy in him! and he holds our future. so we have absolutely nth to worry about! smile! x)* hmm. ironic thing is, i always tell dis to ppl but i myself cant do it. haix. i muz learn. so anyway, at bout 8pm, i left the place loh. twinnie n jan offered to walked me out. was quite surprised that lao da came along too.=X tot he was angry wif me. thank God he isnt. x) so they sent me to the bus stop n i went home loh. eat, bathe den now bloggin loh. just now i see piggy's nick, keep changing. den go one is 'haix cant do anything bout that'. at that point of time, i felt so helpless, so 'dunno anything'. wanna help but dunno how also. also dun wanna irritate him and let history repeat itself again. so no choice. i just left things the way they were. will pray for him tho. den later went to see his frenster. was so happy loh! he uploaded the photo that i took wif him on my bday. hehe. even tho i was quite angry at the testi that teh deeeee write for him. i guess that balanced out everything bah. den was supposed to talk to twinnie but guess she's busy having fun at the chalet bah. haha. no worries ya twin. x) i guess that's bout my day. simple yet great. cuz God's in it! x) hope for tmr, hope in God. x) believe tmr will b a better day... =]
