Friday, November 18, 2005
5:34 PM Y
deprived
♥ just the girl.
yes.. that's wat i am.. deprived of so many things just cuz of one stupid bone! haix. at first, i was really looking forward to today, thinking i would b happy.. haix. u'll know why later.. haix..
so today, got woken up by two phone calls. one frm my mum and the other frm justyn. hmm was gonna meet up wif clar n sy today at tampines mrt before THEIR training starts. FYI, i'm BANNED frm training. haix. it's so sad lah. dunno for how long summore. haix. so anyway, met up frm them and den just walk ard tm. i was looking for a job but cannot find! argh.. all want 16 yrs and above. so sian loh. at home also got nth to do. den later they all need go for training liaox. met up wif gerald outside mac first b4 they went. that guy ah. so funny one lah! blur blur de. den i always make fun of him. wahahax. so ya, anyway, met up wif my maid den go hospital together for my appointment. was so looking forward to it.. but everything was SO SO WRONG. haix.
at CGH, thank God din havta wait so long for my turn. so went in and see Dr Hsu. he go see see the stitches den say it's ok but still abit swollen. but will remove the stitches. i was super happy lah! den he told me wat the bone was. he say it's an unusual bone loh. something like it's grwoing out of place. and i think he exaggerated abit when he said the bone he drilled off frm behind my ear, was as big as an EGG. cannot be bah. =X at most, MARBLE. so anyway, the worst thing i ever heard that came out frm his mouth was, "there's a possiblity that the bone will grow back." ???!?!!?!?!!!!!! WAT?????!!!!! that was the first thing that came to my mind! GOD! HELP ME! =X haix! imagine if i hadta go for the op every now and den just to remove that stupid growing bone. haix. muz pray for God's mercy. haix. den later, he sent me out to sit first and wait for the nurse to call me. after that, i went to dis treatment room where the nurse removed the stitches for me. the feeling when she took it out, was abit funny. yes, it was a little pain, and itchy? i dunno. just a funny feeling. but it was a little bit painful. no choice. there were 11 stitches altogether. scary horx. in the end, she left 2 stitches dere cuz the wound hasnt fully recovered and she plastered the rest of the wound. haix. and den i asked if i could go back to my training. the nurse went to check wif the doctor and it was one SUPER DUPER BAD NEWS. i CANT!! at least for another week loh! until the stupid swelling go down. WHY WHY WHY?!! all i wanna do is RUN! that simple thing i'm also deprived of? it has been two weeks since i last train already. i miss it so so so much. i wanted to cry when i heard that. cuz i dun even noe when the swelling will go down! wat if it doesnt go down by next week? den it'll b another week!! AHH!!! GOD PLS HAVE MERCY!! haix. i controlled my tears lah. den the nurse tot it's so pain until i wanna cry cuz she still removing the stitches. den i told her i was ok. haix! after that we took a shuttle bus to simei mrt and shop awhile at east point. as in, just walk walk, explore abit. haix.
when i reach home, i went to my mum's bed, lie dere and cried loh! mayb u think it's stupid to cry just cuz i cant train. but u dunno how much training means to me! haix. u noe, it took me so much effort, hard work, determination and not forgetting, perserverance to get to where i was?! now everything is back to ZERO!! ZERO ZERO ZERO!! NOTHING! i havta train all over again! the feeling just sux loh. =X haix. havta go thru everything ago. and when i go back to training, i will lag behind all my peers! haix. why why why.. x'( sports is the only thing that when i do, i forget all my problems and i'm happy! and it's really fun to train wif all my peers and juniors. i mean all the fun we had, the encouragement we give each other. i'm missing out so so so much! i miss my team. even tho it's small. they rock! without them, there wouldnt even b a team. haix. i really thank God for them. but now, even tho it's a mere THREE weeks, it's alot to me! i dun get to train wif them! haix. imagine how much i would have trained in the NINE trainings! that's alot u noe. haix. and coach muz b so disappointed in me for missing so many trainings. he had so much hope in me. plus, i'm deprived of so many things! mayb u dunno, but i love water! i love the rain! but bcuz of that stupid wound, i cant walk in the rain. i cant play wif water. i cant wash my hair myself! it's so dumb. haix. i'm missing out on so many things. and i cant swim! haix! all the sports i cant do lah! haix! and bcuz of the wound, i'm deprived of a good night's sleep simply bcuz i cant turn to the left and slp! i always wake up in the middle of the night just to STRETCH! and i always wake up every morning wif backaches! haix. just one stupid bone and it has caused me so much misery. *God, pls help me. i need you. let ur mercy fall upon me. take away the swelling, pls God. have mercy. pls dun take away the thing i enjoy doing most.* haix.. come to think of it, i shld not have gone for the op. if i din, none of these would have happen.. i would just havta bear wif some minor headaches and everything would b ok.. haix..
anyway, i sms clar that i couldnt go for traininig. after a while, she called me and ask me not to cry le. but as i think more bout it, i cried more loh. haix. i mean.. i really dunno wat to do already lah! haix. den i cannot exercise, become pig loh! haix. at home also got nth to do. outside, also cant find job. like a good-for-nothing girl! haix. den ppl think i siao, hols do hw. but wat else can i do??!! haix.. watever lah.. now i only want the swelling to do down. pls pray for me! haix. den later, i quickly bathe den got ready to go for hof le. wore my new shirt and skirt loh. went dere, surprised to see weisheng, twinnie, adidas, jiamin, eileen, jack they all sitting in one row. like in classroom liddat. waiting for lesson to start. haha! =X den later they one by one want see my stitch loh. i put on quite a sad face loh, thinking of the FACT that i cant train for ONE more week. haix. so anyway, worship started soon enough and pastor chui shared today. alter call was very reviving. God spoke to me during the alter call. he told me not to b so sad bout not being able to train. he says he wan me to rest my ankle, go see a sinseh. and ask me not to worry, for when i go back to training, i will b able to cope wif the repetitions and everything. but somehow, i dun feel safe. =X wat if it is not God who spoke to me but is i made up myself? =X or wat if i make God angry [[not on purpose]] during this period of time and den later he dun wann help me? =X i felt a little better tho but i dun dare hope for anything too high. i just wanna trust God. i really wanna achieve sth in sports loh. dun wan my efforts all to go down the drain. haix.. God help me..
after hof, fellowship wif some ppl at the first level. talked to adidas also. and to alicia. she asked me how's my operation and stuff. and told me some advice bout memorising the parts and everything. thank God for her. den on the bus, i sat alone and was super quiet. sometimes, i wonder to myself, why i isolate myself and not join the rest. =X i also dunno why. it's definitely not cuz i'm the quiet type cuz i'm not! during training, i'll b the one talking most of the crap. the noisest one loh! during repititions, i'll also b the one cheering my peers and juniors on. and once we complete it successfully, we'll give each other hi-fives. haix. miss those times. haix. so anyway, ya. i dunno why i dun go join them. mayb it's bcuz i dun like taking initiative. =X dun get it wrong. if i dun take initiative, how can i b capt of my track and field team rite? wat i mean is, i dun take initiative in TALKING to ppl FIRST. admin stuff and everything, i will take the initiative to tell the teacher or watsoever. but somehow, come to talking, i dun take the initiative to start the con. =X mayb only for msn and sms? hmm.. i realise that on msn, if that person dun talk to me, i wun talk to that person first. =X unless, i needa ask the person sth, that i will go talk to that person first. and sms. normally, is other ppl sms me first. like ask me how i am, wat m i doing and stuff. i NVR do that. only once. to twinnie. cuz i felt like she was always doing the smsing first and i felt bad. =X i wanted to b pei to call her twin, be dere for her and everything. so i smsed her first. she told me she was ok and everything was fine and that's it. oh yes! that's the reason! cuz if i start a conversation FIRST, it nvr last long! =X and i think another reason is also cuz i got phobia of ppl being irritated by me. i'm afraid that like on msn or anything, the person is busy or wat, den i dun wanna disturb. =X dis initiating of conversation thingy, has caused my downfall. seriously. in relationships esp. and i mean BGR. but watever. BGR does not concern me anymore till i'm ready. now is FRENSHIPS. haix. dunno howta start initiating conversations. any advice? *God help me.. so many weaknesses in my life that i need you to help wif. change me oh God..*
well, that's all for today i guess.. wat a day huh.. full of feelings and emotions.. woosh.. oh yes! my mum say mayb she got job for me. some wrapping services. woot. muz pray hard. hehe. blog again tmr.. no heart.sports for me tho. haix.. x( God bless..
