Wednesday, November 02, 2005
11:48 PM Y
i have failed God again. haix.
♥ just the girl.
haix. it's been some time since i've blogged. ok ok mayb just 2 days. was tired and lazy so din blog. =X haix oh well. just roughly say wat happened today. cuz today i wanna blog bout feelings. wat happened the last two days was history. so no point telling loh. ok so today, went to sch as usual. had lessons and den after sch, me n sy rushed to parkway. do wat, we cant say, if not, no surprise le. so we were late for training! crap. training at 5pm, so late le den we still late. =X felt so bad that i kept apologizing to the coach loh. =X sorry ah clar n ash. =X after training den i rush to G12 le loh. come home, bathe, den now blogging loh.
ok so here goes.. like i said, dis blog will b about my feelings. i dunno where to start or wat to say. i just feel very shi bai. i have failed God once again. i just dunno wat to do anymore. my feelings were quite stabilsed these whole week until TODAY! NOW! WHY?! cuz of some things i shld not have seen and read. some truth i shldnt have known. something that agitated my feelings. SUNDAY marked the end of our relationship as i put all our memories into the box. at least i tot and hope so. but CRAP! ah! it came back! *lao da, i fell into the same trap again! i really tried not to cry le but the tears cant stop flowing out of my eyes! haix. lao da.. help me.. haix* it's so ironic lah! today i just tesified bout me having a spiritual setback but thank God he revived me again. but now? all of a sudden, things have gone back to how they were. i really hate dis. does anybody know why God keeps making me go thru the same trial again and again? i'm getting sick of it! i cant take it anymore! i'm so sorry twinnie. i'm in no position to comfort you right now. all the crap i said to you online. it's actually true but i have not been a good testimony. i have no right to tell you wat u shld do when i myself cant do it! argh! i tot i have really moved on but i havent! i really want to! why do ppl keep saying that i dun wan to? i wan to but i just cant! it's not that i dun help myself. i keep all the memories we had, FAR FAR FAR away frm me. but WHY?! why!! why does the feelings have to come back?!! argh.. dis nite, i have knelt before God and asked for his mercy. i have cried out to him wif a broken heart. i have asked for forgiveness wif sincerity. haixx..
does anybody really know how i feel now? i dun even have anyone to talk to now! i have no guts to tell my sister or my mum. my best fren's away in malaysia. my good good fren is aslp. and i cant talk to twinnie. only reason is becuz just a while ago, i told her that if we turn to God, everything will b ok. but if i called her, she would noe i'm contradicting myself! *if u're reading dis twinnie, i'm sorry. i really am. trust me, when i told u to turn to God and everything will b ok, it's true! it's just that something JUST happened and i fell once again, into the hands of the devil. haix. sorry twin.* it really sux. everything's bottled inside and dere's nobody to lend me their shoulders to cry on or ears to hear me. haix. everything went wrong right from the start! haix. i was the cause of everything and i had been a bad testimony. haix. * lao da, if u've been reading dis, u would have been angry by now. sorry for disappointing you once again. i really really tried my best to control my feelings le. i really did. but i cant. tell me wat i shld do..='( haix. just let me finish wat i havta say ok? and i promised God that dis will b the last time i'm crying over piggy. and like i said, i just needa express myself. i promise you, i'll b ok tmr. pray for me pls. thanks lao da..* mayb u're wondering why m i pushing the blame to myself. to tell you the truth, i have hurt many ppl in my life already, young as i may b. most imptly, i hurt those ard me who love and care for me. they are my frens. thru my ex ex stead, my gd fren, sy, got to noe his gd fren. soon, they stead den later he two-timed her but had no guts to initiate the breakup. later, sy initiated it and he gladly accepted her decision. she was hurt. even tho she din show it, i knew she was. it was my fault, if i hadnt knew him, none of dis would happen. same for my best fren. my ex ex best fren got to noe her thru me. she has been hurt many times by him and she had shed many tears over him. and everytime, i would b dere, to see her cry. it really hurts me to see her liddat. and it's all bcuz of me again. haix. now, thru pigy, sy has gotten to noe his gd fren. he liked her but they shi zong nvr got together cuz now, he likes another girl. she IS hurt, definitely. i noe. even tho she din tell me, frm her actions, i could tell. dis was my fault again. and piggy, even tho he din seem to b affected by our break up, i knew he was alittle hurt. just that he got over it FAST. haix. i have hurt my frens indirectly. haix. in anyway, it was wrong frm the start! i shldnt have gotten a bf in the first place and none of dis would have happened! haix. sometimes, i really hate myself for being so foolish. now i noe, GUYS CAN NEVER BE TRUSTED.
now that things are liddat, i really dunno wat to do. just now, i found out that now, he likes another girl. actually, i already found out bout a week ago. i tot it was nth. but den i saw his n her frenster account. i was really hurt. i dunno how, i dunno WHY, but i just cried! argh. i tried to CONTROL. really. believe me! i did! but it din stop those tears. haix. he actually confessed his feelings to her. haix. he is really unworthy. but come to think of it, actually, i dun deserve to be loved by anyone. look at me! just take a gd look at me! who else but God wants me?! i'm so naive. haix. i really want to meet God soon. the world sux, seriously. i cant wait to go up dere and meet my saviour. in another 6 days, i'll b going for my op. to tell you the truth, sometimes, i really wish that the op will fail and i would get to see my saviour. but then again, i think bout my loved ones here on earth. they will b hurt to see me gone just liddat. and i cant bear to hurt them. i cant bear to hurt anyone again! i guess if that's wat i want, to not hurt anybody, den i myself will get hurt. now, i think lao da's eraser will come in handy. i still remember he once said he wish he could b an eraser and erase my past. now, i really wished he was. i would b happy without my past. why must life b filled wif so much happiness, such order, such beauty, yet at the same time, b filed wif such heartaches and sadness. haix. just me + God. that's all i want. that's all i ever wanted. that's all i will ever want. and heaven's the only place where i can get that.
now, i really wish i can lose my memory. i wanna relive my life once again. haix but i guess it's too late. i shld have treasured it when i have the chance. now, everything's gone. wat i have left is God. and i really really wanna forget piggy. somebody, knock me down wif a car! i wanna forget everything. i wanna move on wif life. i dun wanna have anymore regrets. i dun wanna hurt more ppl in my life. i'm sick of that. sick of hurting those who love and care bout me. i wanna cherish them. i dun ever wanna lose them. and pls, backstabbers and hypocrites, get away frm me. u selfish little people. always and only thinking bout yourself. dun u all ever spare a tots for others? put urselves in their shoes and see how it feels. and GUYS, stop being so full of yourself and start treasuring those around you that REALLY care n love you. *only talking to CERTAIN guys*
one more thing that i've learnt frm all that has happened. that is, God loves me no matter wat. and God loves at the heart but Man looks at the appearance. many a times, we fail God, but God nvr fails us! he will be dere when we need him. and he has nvr let me go before. how stupid i m, to search for sth when it's right before my eyes. all i need is God, noone else. i know i've been a bad testimony but i'm gonna change dis time, for real. i really want to, for God. i've decided that it's time i do sth for God. he has done so much for me but wat have i done for him except whine and grumble bout life. i'm contented that he brought me to this world. he made me realise the meaning of happiness, sadness, loneliness, lost-ness, and everything! without him, dere wouldnt b me! i end this blog wif a song, dedicated to my beloved heavenly father, knowing he cares and will nvr ever leave me. x)
NO GREATER LOVEBefore i knew Your name,
You knew my every breath.
Before i found my way,
You knew my every step.
Before i knew everything that i need,
You gave it all to me
No greater love than this,
That You should lay down Your life
For someone such as me;
I'd spent a life time wondering why.
The beauty of Heaven
Is here in my heart
And i know there can be
No greater love.. than this
I never understood
How merciful love could be
Until i felt His flame,
Light every part of me
And i would give everything that i am
'Cause i have been saved;
Yes! I have been saved!
No greater love than this
That you should lay down Your life
For someone such as me
I'd spent a lifetime wondering why
The beauty of Heaven
Is here in my heart
And i know there can be
No greater love
