Saturday, February 04, 2006
12:18 AM Y
wat is happening..
♥ just the girl.
my head hurts. hurts like crap. and i dunno why. and my scar hurts too!! i can feel the bone! it's growing back. :( no.. wat m i gonna do.. i'm not gonna go for another operation!! haix! *pls pray for me ppl. THANKS.*
it's back to the same old stupid, busy, stressed up life after CNY. hate it. really really hate it. i think my fren was right to get me a stress board for my bday. den i can just bang my head against it. but it's so stupid lah. haix.
i really hate to always put up a fake front. but i have to. cuz i dun wanna affect the people around me. it really does.
i kinda shouted at ber today. and i felt bad. till now. sorry ber. =X
haix. see wat i mean. it really affects. but i found out one thing today. that is mai ya tang can make me happy too! x)
still, it's temporary. haix..
yest nite, i spend the whole nite praying for my mum. cried out to God because i really dunno wat to do now.
it was HE who made the mistake. why shld WE suffer the consequences of HIS own mistake. yet he is so arrogant. so full of pride. always think he's right. and always so stingy.
yet, i cant hate HIM. and i wun hate HIM. i love HIM. i'm sure he too, made many sacrifices. i cant hate HIM together wif them. i cant. haix.
school problems. family problems. church problems. personal problems. why all come at the same time?
frankly, i tired. i really am. i feel that i have no strength. no strength to carry on a life liddat. yet.. i have no one. but God..
school. always giving hw. always asking us to stay back for remedials. always got tests. tests and tests. stress and stress. i wonder how ppl can cope. haix.
family.. i havta help. i just have to do it. even if it means making me more stress and tired, i still have to do IT.. haix.
church. it's not exactly a prob but it's a fan nao. now that i have drumming lessons, most of the time i will miss heart.sports. and that's not really good cuz that's when i destress myself. haix. yet i cant find the courage to ask pastor mong yee or kirk if the time can b changed. haix.
personal. my strength is limited. my will is limited. my own negative thinking is holding me back. i just dunno howta overcome it. haix.
WORST. i have no one whom i can talk to. i tot i found him. my di. even tho he's younger den me, he's quite mature. and i tot i could share my probs wif him. but i was wrong. cuz he had so many other jies. i cant confide in him.
others.. i just dun feel so right. not comfortable. and i really dunno wat to do. haix.
and just to add on, our group in church seems to b getting smaller and smaller. rina. dennis. eelen. weihoong. jack. daniel. where r u all? haix. i really miss those days, during the hols, where we had so much fun together. going to sentosa and all. encouraging each other spiritually and also mentally. haix.
frankly, i feel like giving up. actually, many a times, i feel like giving up because i just cant find the stregnth. i need God more than ever now. and i pray that i'll b closer to Him. mayb dese probs have made me and Him drift apart. and mayb that's y sometimes i cant feel that he's wif me.
pls pray for me brothers and sisters in christ. i need the strength i can have now. i really dunno how long can i carry on dis way before i really just collaspe. how i wish God will come sooner.. haix.
still, i wanna thank God for bringing some joy into my life. one example are my juniors. they make me smile. they make me happy. they help me destress. they make me forget bout my sch work and all at that point of time. and i thank God for them. x)
another are my church frens. my brothers and sisters in christ. they nvr fail to cheer me up even when they're not sure if i'm sad or just tired. and some also encourage me spiritually. and i really thank God for bringing them into my life.
i just hope dis yr will pass over soon. and all i want now is to b able to cope. i need strength frm God. and i need the will frm God.
i dun wanna back slide.
i dun wanna drift away frm God anymore.
i need someone.
God, send me someone.
thank you Lord.
I LOVE YOU GOD.
God bless all! x)
