every moment; every planned coincidence

Monday, January 29, 2007

10:20 PM Y

♥ just the girl.

i have so much i want to say.
mayb too much. that's y i'm lost for words right now.

i've changed. i think i really did.

for the first time of my life, i run a cross country and i actually STOPPED and WALKED.

wat the crap?

i mean, last time, no matter how tired i am, how much my mind wanna stop, my legs wouldnt let me. but this time, it gave way. totally. i still cant believe that i stopped and WALKED.

i never gave up so easily before. no matter how tough life gets, i always stand strong and fight. at least that's wat i think i always do.

or am i wrong.

am i just putting on a brave front each time i meet with a problem? and mayb this time i cant take it anymore that's y i lost all that determination and perserverance.

jc life i tough. but how come i'm not strong enuf to live with it. to perservere on. why am i giving up so easily!

THIS IS NOT ME!!

i want the old me back.

i'm even giving up on track!! HOW COULD I!

running is my passion. it's all i ever wanted to do. because it makes me feel good. free of all problems. when i run, i'm focussed. i only aim to finish the workouts set by my coach. that's y i dont think bout anything else.

but that's temporary yea?

and i really hate being alone.

used to go sch with clar. now she takes bus to school AND home. thus, i havta spend that long journey home ALONE. and that's when i start to anyhow think.

i hate that loneliness. sigh. ='[

i want to talk to God. but i dont know wat to say to him. cuz i feel that i'm in no position to question Him or bother Him because He has already done so much for me.

AAHHHHHH!!!

i bu fu qi!! how can i give up so FAST?!!! i hate this kinda feeling.. i HATE IT!!!

i need to scream...!!!!

WO BU FU QI!!!

STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!!!!!!!

argh.

well, my mother, who is so very understanding and i really love her, told me that if i really cant take jc life, go poly. but i've seen how stress my sister was, doing all those projects when it is peak period. and i'm a person who really hates projects. so my mum say, if poly also cannot, den go work. work until got alot of money den go abroad and study.

but that's the stupidest thing i'll ever do.

sigh.

staying hurts. but leaving hurts more.

does anybody get wat i'm trying to say?

i wanna leave ajc and FAST!

because i'm so afraid that i'll get emotional and all and then feel so attached to the track team in ajc that i dont wanna leave.

but.. i really cant take it anymore. it's so stressful. just yesterday, i stress until i cried. there was simply so much going on inside me.

i really hate myself for being this way right now. so indecisive.

and i think i'm getting old. argh.

my right leg the joint there, connecting the thigh and calf, is painful whenever i bent it for too long. that is when i sit lah. so when i stand, it hurts so much that i have to limp for awhile until the pain goes off.

i dont know wat's going on..

actually, i can go to NZ to study cuz my couz is there. can support me for awhile before i find a job there and support myself. this has been dragged for quite some time already.
but then again..

STAYING HURTS BUT LEAVING HURTS MORE.

having lost two ppl who mean so much to me, i know exactly how it feels like and i dont think i wanna bring the same misery to my frens or myself. it's simply too hard for each and everyone of us to take it.

and just wanna comment sth.
mayb u've heard this many times. but it's true.
we dont know howta treasure someone till we've lost them. and then the hurt gets so bad. because u miss them so much. and then u regret. but u know, it's too late for regrets and there's nth else you can do.

so treasure the ppl around you right now. tell them u really appreciate them and that they mean alot to you. let them know you care and how impt are they to you. dont have regrets.

sigh. alright. i gotta get back to work.

till dont know when, BYE.

VIRNICE.