Monday, April 23, 2007
10:04 PM Y
♥ just the girl.
i feel quite horrible today.
not something surprising anymore.
i cant stop thinking that i kinda lied my way thru today.
no doubt i had a sorethroat.
thus i talked very little today.
but IF ONLY.
IF ONLY,
i was making that little effort to actually converse properly with people.
i would still be the usual me.
frankly,
i was using my sorethroat as an excuse
to be who i REALLY am today.
throughout the day,
i was thinking of everything i was going thru right now.
and i was feeling really lousy about myself.
i was quite surprised that MR ZHENG
could tell that i wasnt myself today.
he dint ask that directly
but indirectly.
he asked if i was okay.
and also asked if i was feeling stress and everything.
of course,
my answer was yea i'm okay.
and no, i'm not stress.
WOW. i'm such a GREAT LIAR.
but i really appreciate mr zheng's care and concern.
dont get me wrong.
but seriously,
wat do u expect me to say?
and i just continued giving the sorethroat as an excuse.
sigh.
i also feel really bad that i made shirley's day so boring.
cuz normally i would crap with her and all.
to SHIR.girl, i'm so sorry about today.i could actually talk if i wanted to.but i really dint have the XIN to do so.i'm sorry if i made ur day really bored.and sian.i promise it would happen again.i will treasure my voice from now onwards.:)thanks for everything shir.YOU ROCK.and to everyone else.
i'm sorry i INDIRECTLY lied about my sorethroat.
i just dint wanna make that tiny effort to talk.
but i'm really having a sorethroat.
i just wanted to get away from my"usual" self.
just for once.
i'm sorry.
i cant stop thinking about everything that's happening right now.
i havent been running either.
ever since that friday.
missed THREE trainings in total already.
inclusive of last wed's one
which was cancelled due to NATS X-COUNTRY.
and i also missed PE today.
i got mc for FIVE days of PE/CCA.
i would probably consider that as a break.
and when i saw people running during PE,
i was so tempted to join them.
and den i realised how much running means to me.
i cant believe i ever thot of giving it up!
sigh.
wat's wrong with me.
and, nobody probably saw this side of me before.
the side of me who actually cried FOUR days in a row.
since friday.
everything had to come at the wrong time.
sigh.
and now,
SHE wants to get a job.
like HELLO?
you cant even handle wat u're doing now
and u wanna go out there?
sigh.
wat do u expect me to say.
encourage you?
i cant bring myself to do that!
and you say you feel like we're strangers.
but it's not that!
i never tell you about my problems.
wat makes recently so different?
i agree with you that my attitude and mood sux right now.
that's because i totally cant control it.
but i want to!
and i'm trying to!
and how i wish i could really talk to u as a fren.
at the end of the day,
i would then say, this this that happened today.
we could even laugh at the most UN-hilarious things.
or maybe about this cute guy i saw.
or how not funny my GP teacher is.
how i wish. how i wish.
but my only wish now.
is really just for you to be happy.
so will you?
sigh.
i know she'll never ever get to read this.
but i just havta say how i really feel deep inside.
today is really "special" somehow.
cuz i actually reached home before SIX on a school day.
on a MONDAY.
i missed training.
i missed physio.
but i got a new earpiece for my hp.
now trips to school wont be so boring anymore.
but the usual thing was that,
i reached home,
went to my room
and started tearing again.
i really dont know what's wrong.
but i really thank God that dint happen in school.
i was THIS close.
but i managed to hold back my tears.
omg.
i'm such a cry-baby.
a little help?
and help was indeed on its way.
my capt talked to me this time.
he told me his point of view.
and his experience.
and even send me inspiring videos.
it helped alittle.
at least, to get started.
and i think the rest is up to myself.
and of course, God.
i really wanna pick myself up again.
get up from where i fell.
i think most imptly is to calm myself down emotionally first.
i pray that God will help me.
and a big thank you to people who showed me
your care and concern
during this difficult period of time.
thanks for having faith in me,
that i can do it.
i should be ashamed that even u all have faith in me
and i dont even have that small faith in myself.
much less, GOD.
i shall plant my mustard seed of faith in Him first.
i promise i will TRY.
i cant guarantee i will succeed.
but rest assured,
i'll be fine.
at least in school. and out.
rama's right.
we all DO wear masks.
but we still do take them out in front of others unknowingly.
as for me,
do you know when i'm wearing and when i'm not?
only He knows. :)
i will find the REAL me asap.
i promise, because He first promised me.
默默地承受这一切的一切
无人知
可是 我总感觉得到
他就在我身旁
默默地为我打气
and that's how much He loves me.
:)
Sunday, April 22, 2007
11:48 PM Y
♥ just the girl.
i have so much to say that
i dont even know when to begin.
if i only had one wish,
or rather,
one prayer that could be answered,
it would be:
FOR HER TO BE HAPPY.
i had a crazy week.
not crazy CRAZY.
but crazy emotionally.
i was going thru a period of time
that i couldnt understand what i was doing
or how i was feeling.
i seem to lose touch with everything else.
i really hated the way i was last week.
i just hope things will get better this week.
the only thing i'm sure is
i was ultra stressed up last week.
mainly due to the proposal for the track camp.
and HER.
because many people have talked to me about HER.
things were really bad
and i was at a loss.
cousin poh talked to me.
kangseng talked to me.
my sis talked to me.
clar TRIED to talk to me.
shirley tried to too.
and as for myself,
i just PRETENDED everything was alright.
and as for HIM,
i havent been hearing from HIM.
he's far far far away in AFRICA.
wonder when will i get to see HIM again.
sigh.
i totally lost control on friday.
possibly due to lack of slp?
or because everything piled up to a stack that was too heavy for me to carry already?
i flared up at HER.
i woke up late.
i was too impatient to wait for the stupid cab.
who was running late on me.
i then refused to go to school as i was definitely going to be late.
plus paying that kind of fare.
i felt that is was totally retarded.
so i stomped up back to my hse.
locked myself up in the my room.
got changed BACK into my home clothes.
called clar to tell her i wasnt going to school.
msg shir to ask her help me print the proposal.
fell to the bed.
started crying like crazy.
and cried myself back to sleep.
ironically, friday was also the day that i felt that me and mid are really sisters.
for probably the FIRST time,
i actually confided her
about ONE problem i was facing.
it felt good.
as much as i wish i could,
i still dont know if i will be able to do the same
for every other problem that walks into my life.
i find that i really cannot work under stress.
my stress management sux.
SERIOUSLY.
and i'm really sad to say this,
but mayb the EXCO members should REconsider me.
i dont know if it's their decision or is it mrs toh.
but mrs toh did ask me and clar before.
i dont know if i can handle it!
and frankly,
i'm utterly disappointed in myself.
i used to think, how hard can JC life get?
and yea, it's getting on me right now.
the only things that are motivating me to go to school
COACH. TRACK. FRENS.
which are like wrong motives?
i cant even get wat the teacher is saying.
ARGH. CRAPPY.
face it,
i'm not smart can.
my O level results are probably FAKE.
and i'm in a class where everyone else is smart.
and i'm DUMB.
either the teacher cant teach
or i'm PURE DUMB.
i really wanna give up.
but there are too many things stopping me to.
including myself.
this isnt me at all.
the real virnice doesnt give up so easily.
no matter what lies ahead.
sigh.
remember i mention that i could study on the mrt while travelling to school?
come on, who am i trying to kid?!
the long mrt rides are used to catch up on my SLEEP!
it is almost impossible to study.
i take out the notes and fall aslp almost instantly.
sigh.
have i chosen the wrong path?
but then again,
how can it be?
because i dint choose it.
God did.
i used to wonder,
why isnt my JC life getting better.
i'm supposed to get used to it by now!
why isnt God doing anything to lighten my load.
why isnt He making me feel better?
den it finally dawned on me that,
i havent been praying.
since i dint bring my prayer request to Him,
how can i expect Him to answer them?!
DUMB ME.
sigh.
i'm so sick and tired of myself.
seriously.
there are probably many facts about me that people dont know.
am i feeling this way cuz i hardly open up to anyone?
but it's just so difficult to.
or is it just me?
IT'S ME LAH!
ME ME ME!!
argh.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME??!!
i believe no one has the answer to that.
i'm just having a really bad week.
i know it.
sometimes, i really wish i would just die now.
den i can reunite with God soon.
but den again,
am i worthy enuf to go up?
i havent been praying.
i only read one chapter of bible every night.
and not EVERY.
sometimes i fall aslp without reading His words.
sigh.
seriously,
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.
can anybody tell me?!
i think now,
no amount of tears can bring me back to where i used to be.
i miss those good old days.
life is so complicated right now.
can someone stop the time for me?
and HER.
how can she not takecare of herself
and expect to takecare of me.
i see her worries.
i see her anxieties.
i see her concerns.
i see her love.
i see all that she has done.
i see her tears.
i hardly see her smiles.
so how could i still react in such an inhumane way.
mayb her love, care and concern is giving me pressure too.
sigh.
what can i do to make her feel better.
what can i do to see her smile again.
what can i do to let her go to sleep without a single worry on her mind.
what can i do to let her care less for me.
what can i do to give her peace.
*i need you Lord. pls dont let the devil take my time away.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
9:48 PM Y
♥ just the girl.
i feel like blogging today.
and i have no idea why.
hahaha.
despite the fact that i have so much work to do.
HMMMM.
to tell u the truth,
just 5 days ago,
SUNDAY.
i was crying like crazy.
and YES,
i finally cried.
i finally understood wat Gina meant.
this kinda thing cant be forced.
and neither can it happen as and when u like it.
u just feel for it,
and tears begin to flow.
THE ART OF CRYING.
hahhaa.
LAME.
after i left them,
i just suddenly felt this sense of lonliness.
and i started tearing in the mrt.
okay,
how embarrassing is THAT?
!!!!!
and when i reached home,
i received even worst news.
i feel that i'm a failure.
cant even do my part as a daughter well.
well enuf for her to not worry.
and well enuf for her to live happily.
and well enuf for her to eat well.
so how bad did i FAIL?
like REALLY REALLY BAD.
i think it's a "U"
UNDERGRADE.
sigh.
plus the work load that i had.
and everything else.
i was really THIS close to breaking down.
but thank God for shirley.
she was there to encourage me.
and to push me on.
thanks girl.
I LOVE YOU VERY VERY VERY MUCH!
:D
i guess,
everyone's feeling as stressful as i am.
a good example is clar.
i'm not alone.
yet sometimes it's just so difficult to find the strength to even move.
and sometimes, it's just so tempting to give up.
i often wonder,
why we study so hard for.
it's not like the smarter ones go to heaven
and the stupidier ones go to hell
or watsoever.
it just doesnt make sense.
but life doesnt make sense,
does it?
thankfully for me,
i have my heavenly papa.
who gave me SHIRLEY.
and many more around me
He also gave me the ability to go CRAZY
and making the people around me laugh crazily too.
i hope in some way or another,
i have helped them to distress.
:)
so okay.
enuf of the emo-ness.
well, not exactly.
cuz right now,
i have something to confess.
my leg actually hurts SUPER BADLY.
my lateral hamstring there.
just that i nvr say it
nor do i show it.
and it's probably gonna remain liddat.
mayb until after nats.
cuz it's not affecting my performance.
actually, IT IS.
but in a postive way!
:)
coach's happy.
and i'm happy.
and everyone's HAPPY!
:D
OHH OHH.
and my dearest shirley just came up with this wonderful phrase!
VIR IS THE ROOT OF ALL LAUGHTERS!
hahaha!
how cute is that!
omg!
i love it!
hahaha.
pardon my craziness once again.
:D
well. now for something to ponder about.
have you ever felt so alone.
or like you just feel that everyone hate something about you.
but they just pretend they dont.
or have you ever felt like you dont fit in.
like everything you do is never right.
or that people dont like you for who you are.
have you ever done something for someone
because you would like the person to do the same to you.
have you ever feel like you need your other half
but cant find that perfect person.
have you ever gave sth to another person
because you would like to have it so much that you think someone would want to have it.
have you ever feel that nobody understands you
or that you have nobody to turn to.
have you ever behaved so badly towards someone
because you want that person to not worry about you
and to take care of themself instead.
have you ever made someone think u hate them
because you love them so much.
my answer is Him.
:)
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
11:57 PM Y
♥ just the girl.
HELLO! :)
i decided to reply the tags all in one post
cuz i just realised i very long nvr tag on my tagboard le.
heh.
so, here goes..
the last post that i dint reply was to xiaoqigui.
so yea.
to xiaoqigui.
thanks for all that encouragement.
i will try even harder.
and wont give up.
:)
and btw,
if i really become love consultant,
it'll be for free!
hahaha!
to terence.
thanks for all the little jokes here and there.
about cant fit into the shoe and everything.
hahaha.
and wat u mean by,
"where's 10 april?"
hmm.
to roy.
hahaha. jiazheng is worth suaning can!
haha!
and someone misused ur name?
haha.
to mic.
heh. you brought much joy into my life too!
love going out with u and jas!
:D
to ron.
sorry lah!
dint know u cheered for me as well.
but really appreciate it!
thanks so much!
xD
YOOO!
to jasmine.
i love the family tree picture too!
hehe.
and i found my socks too! xD
YES, BUBBLE TEA ROCKS OUR SOCKS!
hahaha!
i had my oreo today!
:)
and thanks for the encouragement!
love!
to char.
yes girl!
i havent been talking to u!!
i miss u and gina so much!
been so busy with school.
sigh.
how are you both?!
to kangseng.
thanks for the encouragement too!
and yeps,
i agree it's not about winning.
it's about trying our best!
tho i still think i dint exactly try my best for my 400m hurdles.
=X
so ya, like u said, we both dint do so well for nat juniors.
but all the best for ur 400m! :)
we shall look to Him!
xD
to yiyang.
i'm so sorry about that mistake!!
so anyway,
i needa clarify something.
i'm so sotong until i mistook someone else's blog as yiyang blog!
just cuz i saw the link at shaoming's blog.
and cuz that person used "ahyang" as his name,
i thot it was yiyang!
omg! so many "YANGS"!
i'm so sorry people!
for causing u all to tag at the wrong blog as well.
SORRY!!!
=X
Saturday, April 07, 2007
12:18 AM Y
♥ just the girl.
relationships can be SO irritating.
it's even worst to be the "middle" person sometimes.
or rather, a "counsellor".
cant make it sound as if it's all one party's fault.
when it is quite clear.
but i totally believe that,
if a relationship mess up,
BOTH parties are at fault.
i cant believe i'm actually plotting the breakup.
with my gd fren's boyfriend!
i feel so sinful.
but hearing both side of the stories,
i still feel that it is mostly her fault.
and most probably,
breaking up is the best way for both of them right now.
call me cruel.
call me a crappy fren.
but if u're standing in my shoes right now,
u'll know how hard it is.
and wat ur stand will be.
it's perfectly clear.
my conclusion?
she's not ready for relationships.
not yet.
mayb due to the failures i had,
God is using me to help those out there who needs help.
in this kinda relationship stuff.
i wouldnt say i'm very experienced
and neither will i say,
i can give very good advices.
all i can say is,
i will try and give my best.
three problems at hand now.
mayb i should considering being a counsellor in future.
haha.
or start collecting fees.
hmm.
just kidding.
:)
but i'm always willing to help anyone in need
out there.
remember my purpose here on earth?
to bring joy to people around me.
and to let them know Him.
let me fulfil my purpose.
:)
somewhere over the rainbow.
and it's sunshine after the rain.
Friday, April 06, 2007
1:27 AM Y
♥ just the girl.
HELLO. : )
i'm here to announce the results for AJ track and field meet so far!
it's dominated by the trackers!
woohoo!
not surprising actually.
heh.
but nobody should complain.
it is, in a way,
OUR RIGHTS.
if u wanna win too,
JOIN TRACK.
xD
so anyway,
i wanna give all glory to God for my 400m!
i was really scared and all.
due to my injury
and this girl called jiexin.
she almost win clar in 100m.
and that's wat scared me.
but really thank God.
:)
also,
wanna thank God for the 4x100m and 8x50m pdg race!
it was really a shock to me
cuz i really dint expect much.
just hope we wont come in last.
at least, for 4x100m.
but praise God!
we actually came in FIRST!
WOOHOO!
and for 8x50m,
we came in SECOND!
it was really an achievement,
for all of us.
:)
ohhyes.
did i mentioned wat happened when i was running my 400m?
i could hear my name at the other end of the track!
angela heard it too!
must be my class people.
cuz track ppl would cheer for angela too.
but i dint hear her name. =X
and so didnt she.
SHIRLEY, THILAIGA, ERLINNA!
YOU GIRLS ROCK LAH CAN!
LOVE YOU ALL!
xD
only at the last 100m of the race,
den i heard both our names.
i wanna thank EVERYONE who cheered for us!
it really motivated us to run faster.
and added alittle pressure to me too.
heh.
xP
all in all,
i just wanna say,
I'M LOVING AJ TRACKERS MORE AND MORE EACH DAY!
:)
because i've seen the good in everyone.
how they are so supportive of one another.
how they scream their lungs out for each other.
how they are there for each other as well.
despite the different houses we are from,
we stand as ONE TRACK TEAM.
united we stand, divided we fall!
YOU GUYS ROCK!
xD
so anyway,
wednesday was even more exciting!
cuz TK went to turf city to train too!
i saw most of my juniors.
all except AMAR.
hmmmm...
but watever it is,
THEY ARE SO CUTE LAH CAN.
cant stand it!
hahaha.
they bought sweets and even shared with the AJ track people!
so SWEET of them.
:)
and they waited for me and clar to finish training
to leave together!
how sweet can they get.
xD
and i totally went crazy.
i couldnt stop saying i miss them!
omg.
i really DO miss them.
and guess wat?
zheng jia actually drew out the family tree!
SO CUTE CAN!
go
www.trackersunite.blogspot.com to see!
so cute so cute!
and zj also that day den found out i was the one who started that family tree.
he thot before me,
my seniors already started that.
but nope,
CRAZY me started it.
hahaha.
too bad we cant do it in AJ track.
it'll b so funny
cuz it's like, only for CHILDISH people like ME.
but i'm proud of it.
hehehe.
xD
ohhya.
zheng jia and jia zheng.
totally opposite loh!
hahaha.
but zheng jia is CUTER and much BETTER than SIA JIA ZHENG.
wahahah!
xP
they've all grown so tall already.
we were somemore comparing heights at turf city there.
so funny.
and ohhya.
met this girl called betty.
frm tk track.
this year sec 1 so dont know her.
but saw her a few times when i visited their trainings.
and so ya.
we took the shuttle to toa payoh.
and den i hadta take cab cuz i was late for G12 already.
den she also taking cab.
so she asked me whether are we sharing cab.
den i say no cuz we going opposite directions.
and so she asked who's gonna take the cab first.
being afraid that her parents will scold her for reaching home late,
i told her to take the cab first.
and the next thing was,
she asked me for my hp no.
she said she wanted to thank me.
hahaha!
and den her hp no batt
so she say she'll memorise my number.
so cute lah!
and she really DID msg me after that!
thanking me and all.
ke ai lah!
wat's better is,
she looks so much like jocelyn ling wei yi!
haha.
we used to be pretty good frens.
:)but havent spoken to her in a while already.
hmmm..
okay.
hectic weekend coming up.
just cuz we have a "long holiday"
the teacher practically BOMBED us with one whole pile of work!
every teacher little bit here and there makes up ALOT k.
it's super retarded.
cant even enjoy my weekend properly.
and stupid PI!
plus this sunday got comp.
sigh.
hmm.
i think i'm getting emo again.
jus that nobody can really tell.
i've said it!
and it definitely feels better.
everything seems to be slowly going back to the way it was.
:)
well, some things are still better left unsaid. :)
when i think of how to say, den i'll say.
:)
