Monday, April 23, 2007
10:04 PM Y
♥ just the girl.
i feel quite horrible today.
not something surprising anymore.
i cant stop thinking that i kinda lied my way thru today.
no doubt i had a sorethroat.
thus i talked very little today.
but IF ONLY.
IF ONLY,
i was making that little effort to actually converse properly with people.
i would still be the usual me.
frankly,
i was using my sorethroat as an excuse
to be who i REALLY am today.
throughout the day,
i was thinking of everything i was going thru right now.
and i was feeling really lousy about myself.
i was quite surprised that MR ZHENG
could tell that i wasnt myself today.
he dint ask that directly
but indirectly.
he asked if i was okay.
and also asked if i was feeling stress and everything.
of course,
my answer was yea i'm okay.
and no, i'm not stress.
WOW. i'm such a GREAT LIAR.
but i really appreciate mr zheng's care and concern.
dont get me wrong.
but seriously,
wat do u expect me to say?
and i just continued giving the sorethroat as an excuse.
sigh.
i also feel really bad that i made shirley's day so boring.
cuz normally i would crap with her and all.
to SHIR.girl, i'm so sorry about today.i could actually talk if i wanted to.but i really dint have the XIN to do so.i'm sorry if i made ur day really bored.and sian.i promise it would happen again.i will treasure my voice from now onwards.:)thanks for everything shir.YOU ROCK.and to everyone else.
i'm sorry i INDIRECTLY lied about my sorethroat.
i just dint wanna make that tiny effort to talk.
but i'm really having a sorethroat.
i just wanted to get away from my"usual" self.
just for once.
i'm sorry.
i cant stop thinking about everything that's happening right now.
i havent been running either.
ever since that friday.
missed THREE trainings in total already.
inclusive of last wed's one
which was cancelled due to NATS X-COUNTRY.
and i also missed PE today.
i got mc for FIVE days of PE/CCA.
i would probably consider that as a break.
and when i saw people running during PE,
i was so tempted to join them.
and den i realised how much running means to me.
i cant believe i ever thot of giving it up!
sigh.
wat's wrong with me.
and, nobody probably saw this side of me before.
the side of me who actually cried FOUR days in a row.
since friday.
everything had to come at the wrong time.
sigh.
and now,
SHE wants to get a job.
like HELLO?
you cant even handle wat u're doing now
and u wanna go out there?
sigh.
wat do u expect me to say.
encourage you?
i cant bring myself to do that!
and you say you feel like we're strangers.
but it's not that!
i never tell you about my problems.
wat makes recently so different?
i agree with you that my attitude and mood sux right now.
that's because i totally cant control it.
but i want to!
and i'm trying to!
and how i wish i could really talk to u as a fren.
at the end of the day,
i would then say, this this that happened today.
we could even laugh at the most UN-hilarious things.
or maybe about this cute guy i saw.
or how not funny my GP teacher is.
how i wish. how i wish.
but my only wish now.
is really just for you to be happy.
so will you?
sigh.
i know she'll never ever get to read this.
but i just havta say how i really feel deep inside.
today is really "special" somehow.
cuz i actually reached home before SIX on a school day.
on a MONDAY.
i missed training.
i missed physio.
but i got a new earpiece for my hp.
now trips to school wont be so boring anymore.
but the usual thing was that,
i reached home,
went to my room
and started tearing again.
i really dont know what's wrong.
but i really thank God that dint happen in school.
i was THIS close.
but i managed to hold back my tears.
omg.
i'm such a cry-baby.
a little help?
and help was indeed on its way.
my capt talked to me this time.
he told me his point of view.
and his experience.
and even send me inspiring videos.
it helped alittle.
at least, to get started.
and i think the rest is up to myself.
and of course, God.
i really wanna pick myself up again.
get up from where i fell.
i think most imptly is to calm myself down emotionally first.
i pray that God will help me.
and a big thank you to people who showed me
your care and concern
during this difficult period of time.
thanks for having faith in me,
that i can do it.
i should be ashamed that even u all have faith in me
and i dont even have that small faith in myself.
much less, GOD.
i shall plant my mustard seed of faith in Him first.
i promise i will TRY.
i cant guarantee i will succeed.
but rest assured,
i'll be fine.
at least in school. and out.
rama's right.
we all DO wear masks.
but we still do take them out in front of others unknowingly.
as for me,
do you know when i'm wearing and when i'm not?
only He knows. :)
i will find the REAL me asap.
i promise, because He first promised me.
默默地承受这一切的一切
无人知
可是 我总感觉得到
他就在我身旁
默默地为我打气
and that's how much He loves me.
:)
