Sunday, April 22, 2007
11:48 PM Y
♥ just the girl.
i have so much to say that
i dont even know when to begin.
if i only had one wish,
or rather,
one prayer that could be answered,
it would be:
FOR HER TO BE HAPPY.
i had a crazy week.
not crazy CRAZY.
but crazy emotionally.
i was going thru a period of time
that i couldnt understand what i was doing
or how i was feeling.
i seem to lose touch with everything else.
i really hated the way i was last week.
i just hope things will get better this week.
the only thing i'm sure is
i was ultra stressed up last week.
mainly due to the proposal for the track camp.
and HER.
because many people have talked to me about HER.
things were really bad
and i was at a loss.
cousin poh talked to me.
kangseng talked to me.
my sis talked to me.
clar TRIED to talk to me.
shirley tried to too.
and as for myself,
i just PRETENDED everything was alright.
and as for HIM,
i havent been hearing from HIM.
he's far far far away in AFRICA.
wonder when will i get to see HIM again.
sigh.
i totally lost control on friday.
possibly due to lack of slp?
or because everything piled up to a stack that was too heavy for me to carry already?
i flared up at HER.
i woke up late.
i was too impatient to wait for the stupid cab.
who was running late on me.
i then refused to go to school as i was definitely going to be late.
plus paying that kind of fare.
i felt that is was totally retarded.
so i stomped up back to my hse.
locked myself up in the my room.
got changed BACK into my home clothes.
called clar to tell her i wasnt going to school.
msg shir to ask her help me print the proposal.
fell to the bed.
started crying like crazy.
and cried myself back to sleep.
ironically, friday was also the day that i felt that me and mid are really sisters.
for probably the FIRST time,
i actually confided her
about ONE problem i was facing.
it felt good.
as much as i wish i could,
i still dont know if i will be able to do the same
for every other problem that walks into my life.
i find that i really cannot work under stress.
my stress management sux.
SERIOUSLY.
and i'm really sad to say this,
but mayb the EXCO members should REconsider me.
i dont know if it's their decision or is it mrs toh.
but mrs toh did ask me and clar before.
i dont know if i can handle it!
and frankly,
i'm utterly disappointed in myself.
i used to think, how hard can JC life get?
and yea, it's getting on me right now.
the only things that are motivating me to go to school
COACH. TRACK. FRENS.
which are like wrong motives?
i cant even get wat the teacher is saying.
ARGH. CRAPPY.
face it,
i'm not smart can.
my O level results are probably FAKE.
and i'm in a class where everyone else is smart.
and i'm DUMB.
either the teacher cant teach
or i'm PURE DUMB.
i really wanna give up.
but there are too many things stopping me to.
including myself.
this isnt me at all.
the real virnice doesnt give up so easily.
no matter what lies ahead.
sigh.
remember i mention that i could study on the mrt while travelling to school?
come on, who am i trying to kid?!
the long mrt rides are used to catch up on my SLEEP!
it is almost impossible to study.
i take out the notes and fall aslp almost instantly.
sigh.
have i chosen the wrong path?
but then again,
how can it be?
because i dint choose it.
God did.
i used to wonder,
why isnt my JC life getting better.
i'm supposed to get used to it by now!
why isnt God doing anything to lighten my load.
why isnt He making me feel better?
den it finally dawned on me that,
i havent been praying.
since i dint bring my prayer request to Him,
how can i expect Him to answer them?!
DUMB ME.
sigh.
i'm so sick and tired of myself.
seriously.
there are probably many facts about me that people dont know.
am i feeling this way cuz i hardly open up to anyone?
but it's just so difficult to.
or is it just me?
IT'S ME LAH!
ME ME ME!!
argh.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME??!!
i believe no one has the answer to that.
i'm just having a really bad week.
i know it.
sometimes, i really wish i would just die now.
den i can reunite with God soon.
but den again,
am i worthy enuf to go up?
i havent been praying.
i only read one chapter of bible every night.
and not EVERY.
sometimes i fall aslp without reading His words.
sigh.
seriously,
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.
can anybody tell me?!
i think now,
no amount of tears can bring me back to where i used to be.
i miss those good old days.
life is so complicated right now.
can someone stop the time for me?
and HER.
how can she not takecare of herself
and expect to takecare of me.
i see her worries.
i see her anxieties.
i see her concerns.
i see her love.
i see all that she has done.
i see her tears.
i hardly see her smiles.
so how could i still react in such an inhumane way.
mayb her love, care and concern is giving me pressure too.
sigh.
what can i do to make her feel better.
what can i do to see her smile again.
what can i do to let her go to sleep without a single worry on her mind.
what can i do to let her care less for me.
what can i do to give her peace.
*i need you Lord. pls dont let the devil take my time away.
