Monday, June 04, 2007
3:36 AM Y
♥ just the girl.
alright. here goes.
HELLO HELLO.
i'm back finally, after so long.
well, i've been really busy and all.
couldnt find time to blog.
but here i am. :)
actually, it's not really good news that i'm here.
cuz the only reason i'm here to blog is that i'm not feeling too good right now.
and nope, it's not over the same old topic mentioned in my previous posts.
i hate it because it's
MATTERS OF THE HEART.
i realised that i can really talk crap.
but when ask to confide in someone,
i cant bring myself to.
mayb because of past hurts, misused trust.
i dare not trust again.
so i resort to blogging,
which, i must admit, only helps me 50%.
i can say MANY THINGS but not EVERYTHING.
today was not a very good day for me.
quite embarrassing actually.
cuz i cried in the MRT and i was alone.
was supposed to go out with church peeps.
but i kena pangsehed.
and that feeling SUX.
i really mean it.
it's not the first time that happened to it.
but somehow, everytime it happens,
i just feel ultra depressed.
an unwanted kind of feeling.
one chose boyfriend over me.
the other, dint mentioned whether she was meeting a girl or a guy.
but my guess is it's probably a guy.
makes me wonder how much i actually mean to them.
also, it just gives me the sudden rush to have a boyfriend
so that i wont be pangsehed ever again.
seriously, i always thot friends are more reliable than BOYfriends.
but today proved me quite wrong.
ok. i know i look stupid crying over such small matter
and worst, in a PUBLIC place.
but it actually hurt me quite deep.
because i value them alot.
and frankly, zaizai's way of doing a handstand when u feel like crying
yet dont want the tears to flow out,
does not really work.
ok i dint do a handstand
but i looked up at the celling of the train for so long,
yet the tears still keep rolling down.
ultra CRAPPY.
and i hate that feeling.
msges kept coming in.
many notes of apologies.
i wasnt ANGRY.
i was SAD.
i know sad can turn into anger
but that wasnt happening to me when i dint reply those msges.
i just wanted time alone to think.
organise my thots and decide wat to reply them.
ohh well.
ok. back to the BOYFRIEND topic.
that's probably the cause of watever happened today.
actually, i'm quite happy that it's going to be ONE YEAR of my singlehood.
WOOHOO! :)
i guess being single has it's pros and cons.
but then again, i'm still YOUNG and dont wanna rush things.
no doubt i have my eye candies.
but so what?
they are just my unrealistic DREAMS/FANTASIES.
one good example is gentle giant.
this has been going on about close to a year or so?
things are still the way they are.
i cant even remember when was the last time i ever spoke him.
yet i always hear things concerning him.
and the mention of his name never fail to make me smile.
but so what?
dreams will always be dreams.
it's time i wake up.
i always believed in this:
被爱的感觉比去爱的感觉好吧
so can somebody tell me why i always fall in love with someone who doesnt love me
and not someone who loves me?
but frankly, i really dont like anybody NOW.
eyecandies not counted lo.
like i say, they are just DREAMS.
can somebody also tell me why even tho i dont like the person who likes me,
yet when i see him with another girl, i feel so lost?
it's because i'm so selfish.
i expect him to wait for me.
argh. i really hate this.
and all along i thought he was talking about me
when he had already moved on.
so "coincidental" that we both returned on the same day.
God, why are u playing such tricks on me.
and the stupid thing is,
i still dont know how i feel towards him!
i just feel so troubled by it.
the way u vanished frm my sight.
and the next thing is,
SHE vanishes frm my sight too.
and the worst thing is for my guess to be RIGHT.
you were waiting for her.
how foolish i am.
how stupid i am.
how selfish i am.
how naive i am.
mayb that's all that shld be said.
some things are indeed better left unsaid.
buried deep down in my heart.
who knows, but God.
and i cant even find a human to tell this to!
how pathetic can i get.
thanks to all my good friends out there.
who stood by me all this while.
i know this is a common thing to say, but,
IT'S REALLY NOT YOU, IT'S ME.
not willing to open up.
i'm sorry but i dare not trust again.
forgive me.
Dear Lord,thank You for being with me all this while. even those times of tears in the MRT, i know You were there with me all along, holding my hand tightly. but Lord, i pray that You will tell me wat's going on. why am i feeling this way Lord. why did You play such a trick on me. and why does the truth have to hurt so much. Lord, i need strength from You. You are probably the only one who truly appreciates me for who i am. only You see the real me. the one who is so weak inside yet trying to put up a brave front. Lord, i dont wanna live a lie.help me Dear Lord.i need You and i love You so.thank you Lord.You're the only one i can trust.please give me someone in human form whom i can really trust as well.someone whom You can make use of that person's shoulders for me to lean on and to cry on.guide me Lord.thank you so much dear God.in Jesus name i pray,AMEN.*sorry people. i think i probably shocked you with such a returning post.but that's what i've gotta say.thanks for understanding.LOVE.
